A True Artist Suffers
by EricaTrueXO
Summary: The Akatsuki have a new plan...Join Deidara and the others on their struggles with life in the Akatsuki. All Deidara wants is to live as a true artist...is the Akatsuki really a place for that?
1. The Anniversary of The Akatsuki Part 1

Deidara: I call this; TRUE ART!

1-THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE AKATSUKI: PART ONE

FACT: ALMOST EVERY NARUTO CHARACTER IS ALIVE IN THIS…SOMEHOW…

(The Akatsuki Hideout)

Pain: Konan. The roll.

Konan: Yes, Pain. (clears throat) Pain.

Pain: Your god is present.

Kakuzu: He put himself…on the list?

Konan: Konan, which is myself.

Kakuzu: (sarcastically) Is it really?

Konan: (glares at Kakuzu) Anyway…Itachi? (looks to Itachi) …Itachi?

Itachi: (sighs)

Konan: You're supposed to say, "Here".

Itachi: You can clearly see I'm here. I don't need to speak to verify it.

Konan: Fine. Kakuzu?

Kakuzu: …Here.

Konan: Sasori? Sasori? Sasori? (looks around) Who knows where Sasori is?

(Silence…)

Konan: Hm…Tobi?

Tobi: That's me! I'm here! I'm here!

Konan: Zetsu?

Zetsu: Here…

Konan: Kisame?

Kisame: Hee hee hee! Present and accounted for!

Konan: Hidan?

Hidan: I'm right here!

Konan: Deidara? Oh, he's not here. That's it, Pain.

Pain: Where is Sasori and Deidara? We cannot continue without them.

Konan: (sighs) Darn...

Hidan: I don't see why not! I mean come on everyone knows Deidara's the most annoying most useless member of the Akatsuki! Maybe we can get something done, huh?!

(All look at Hidan…)

Hidan: What?

FACT: IT WAS ONCE THOUGHT THAT DEIDARA WAS THE MOST ANNOYING BUT THEN…

Itachi: Yeah, he's the most annoying.

Pain: Hidan. You cannot catch a fish simply by watching the river flow. No…Zetsu. Discover their location and bring them back here expeditiously.

Hidan: Wait, what'd you just say?

Zetsu: Of course… (fades away)

Hidan: Hey, how the heck did he do that? Is that a jutsu? That was cool. I-

Kakuzu: Shut up, Hidan.

Hidan: Hey, don't tell me to shut up! You don't want me to get mad! When I get mad I get angry and when I get angry I-

Kakuzu: Shut. Up.

Hidan: Do you want me to unleash the wrath Lord Jashin has bestowed-

All: SHUT UP!

Hidan: Stop telling me to shut up!

Kakuzu: Then shut up!

[In a grassland before a small village…]

Deidara: Are you ready?

Sasori: For what?

Deidara: To witness sweet sublimation! What else?

Sasori: And what could be more sublime than one of my puppets?

Deidara: You're kidding right? How many times do I have to tell you those…freak wooden people aren't even close to being the ultimate?

Sasori: And your Play-Doh is?

Deidara: It's not Play-Doh! Shut up! Stand there and bask in art's presence!

Sasori: Are you going to make me wait all day to see this "art"?

Deidara: Wait a minute! (creates some clay spiders that enter the village) Here one second… (buildings begin to explode and people scream as he sends out 2 giant clay birds that fly to the village and cause a huge explosion) And gone the next! Beautiful! Aren't you in awe? Doesn't this just feel you with glee?!

Sasori: I'm confused…

Deidara: Huh?

Sasori: I thought you were showing me art. This just looks like a giant mess. Sloppy work. I'm not impressed.

Deidara: How dare you! The rubble isn't the art! The explosion was!

Sasori: That's even worse. How many times must I inform you what true art is?

Deidara: You can't inform me of something you don't know! Why don't I tell you?

Sasori: So you remember what I've taught you after all?

Deidara: You didn't teach me anything, Sasori! True art…

Sasori: Lasts a lifetime. Or at least for a long while. It is to be admired and-

Deidara: That's not what I was going to say! True art…is an explo-

Sasori: (yawns)

Deidara: Don't yawn while I'm talking! Sasori: I can't stop bodily functions.

Deidara: I don't want to hear that crap! You did it on purpose!

Sasori: Are you going to whine about it?

Deidara: Shut up! I wonder if that Akatsuki meeting is over yet.

Sasori: I wonder if you'll ever be able to recognize true art.

Deidara: I can recognize true art! You know what? You're calling your little collection of Pinocchio and friends art which means you think they're beautiful and some of them are boys so that means you're calling guys attractive! Come out of the closet, Sasori!

Sasori: Keep dreaming, Deidara. My puppets have no gender. They are tools. Weapons. Nothing more. What good would being called male or female even do for them now?

Deidara: True…whatever! Hey, I don't dream about that! I like the ladies.

Sasori: (chuckles) That must be why you like explosions. They remind you of the girls you try to talk to. They're here one moment, you ask them out, and they're gone the next.

Deidara: What the-?! That's not true! You probably make puppets cause you don't have any friends!

Sasori: Who needs friends when you have true art?

Deidara: I agree. I don't know why you said it though.

Sasori: I don't know why you agreed. You know nothing of true art.

Deidara: I know everything about true art! You're the one that-

Zetsu: (forms in front of them) There you two are.

Deidara: AHH! Where the heck did you come from?!

Sasori: What do you want?

Zetsu: I was sent to bring you to the meeting.

Deidara: No. We're skipping. I don't want to sit through another one of those boring meetings.

Sasori: If we don't go Pain might come out here himself.

Deidara: So?! I'm not scared of Pain!

Sasori: But you'll have to hear all that "god" nonsense.

Deidara: Ugh, that's true…dang it! Fine. I'm coming.

[At the Akatsuki hideout…]

Pain: Your god will look past this slip up. But only this once. Do not take my kindness for granted. You may bow and thank me for my kindness.

Deidara: How about you bow and kiss my-

Konan: Deidara!

Deidara: What?

Pain: He is an ignorant fool. Pay his stupidity no attention. We may begin the meeting.

Deidara: You bastard!

Konan: There are two things we need to discuss. Number one…there is a new plan that will be set into motion when Pain gives the word. Be ready. Let's not have any problems out there. Deidara.

Deidara: What the-?! Why would you call me out?! What about Hidan?! What about Kisame?!

Hidan: Hey, can you believe they said I was more annoying than you? I mean, come on! That's so not true!

Deidara: Why would you tell me that? I knew you were stupid but geez.

Hidan: Hey, you take that back!

Deidara: Or what?

Hidan: Or I'll get mad! Lord Jashin doesn't take too kindly to people like you and neither do I!

Deidara: What the heck are you talking about? No one even said anything about your false god.

Hidan: "False"?! You've done it now! Let's take this outside!

Deidara: No. I've already gotten comfy in this chair. I'm not getting up just to kick your ass. Leave me alone.

Hidan: I'll be the one kicking your ass! Come on! You scared!? I'd be with the way you just insulted Lord Jashin! No one who disrespects him breathes for long after that! You understand that, right? You don't know how refreshing it is to-

Deidara: Oh my god! You're irritating! You're annoying voice is making my head hurt!

Pain: Yes, Deidara?

Deidara: What?

Pain: You called out to me, did you not?

Deidara: No. I didn't.

Pain: You said, "Oh, my god." And that is me. So what is it you desire?

Deidara: You're not my god! Shut up!

Pain: You blaspheme constantly yet your god is so forgiving. You must pray to me for forgiveness at night.

Deidara: No, I don't! Can we hurry up with this meeting, please?!

Konan: Oh, I almost forgot, but you and Hidan speaking reminded me. Everyone voted on who was the most annoying in the Akatsuki last week and here are the results. The list is as follows from mostannoying to least: Hidan.

Hidan: What the-?! Kakuzu, can you believe that?!

Kakuzu: (sarcastically) No…

Konan: Deidara.

Deidara: How am I next?! What the heck is this crap?!

Sasori: (snickers)

Deidara: Shut up, Sasori! How is Kisame not next?! Or Zetsu! His presence alone is annoying! Wait a minute, no! Pain should be number one! All that, "Your god is here. I am a god. You will know pain. You simply cannot see the forest for the trees"-what about all that crap?! That's annoying! He was the most annoying on my list! I hate him more than Hidan!

Hidan: You be quiet, sissy art boy!

Deidara: What'd you call me, believer of a non-existent god?

Hidan: You little-

Deidara: Do something!

Pain: Enough. For a god commands it. So let it be.

Deidara: You don't tell me what to do!

Konan: (clears throat) Next is…uh…(looks at Pain)

Pain: Yes? Do not be afraid to speak.

Konan: Nothing, Pain. Next is Kisame.

Kisame: But how?!

Konan: Then me?! What the-?! We're done with this list. It's obviously wrong.

Deidara: Yeah, obviously!

Hidan: No kidding!

Konan: Now finally…who can tell me what tomorrow is?

Deidara: A day I can sleep in.

Konan: No. And raise your hand.

Deidara: What the-?! This isn't an academy for young ninja. I don't have to raise anything, but my voice if you continue to piss me off!

Hidan: (raises his hand) Pick me! I know what it is! Pick me! I know the answer! For the love of Jashin-call on me, Konan!

Itachi: (raises his hand)

Deidara: You're actually participating?

Konan: Yes, Itachi?

Hidan: Hey, my hand was up longer than his!

Itachi: Is the answer…"something stupid"?

Konan: No!

Itachi: I bet you 100,000 ryo it is.

Hidan: Ah, I can still answer! (waves his hand in the air) Konan!

Tobi: (raises his hand) Ooh ooh ooh! (sing-song) Oh, Konan...

Konan: Yes, Tobi?

Hidan: You called on Tobi before me!?

Tobi: It's time for the annual Tobi festival where everyone from the Land of Fire comes to celebrate the birth of me-the greatest ninja to ever live!

Deidara: First of all that's called a birthday. Second of all, why would the Land of Fire do that? Third of all, no one likes you.

Tobi: That's not what your mom said last night, Deida-chan!

Deidara: Wha-?! I'm about to kill you for a few good reasons!

Konan: Calm down, you two. You always start such a commotion, Deidara.

Deidara: It's not my fault! Ugh!

Konan: No one really knows what tomorrow is?

Kisame: It's not the day I obtained my sharkskin, so no.

Zetsu: Is it the day Itachi slaughtered his whole clan?

Itachi: Is it the day after Zetsu fell victim to a genjutsu and wasn't missed by anyone? It can be.

Zetsu: Uh, no.

Sasori: (gasps) I know what it is!

Hidan: I thought we were raising our hands! No fair!

Kakuzu: Shut up.

Hidan: But-

Kakuzu: Now.

Sasori: Tomorrow is the day…(tearfully) It's-…it's the day that Deidara finally accepts true art and throws all that Play-Doh in the trash!

Deidara: It's not Play-Doh!

Sasori: It's not art either.

Deidara: Explosions are art in its truest form, Sasori!

Sasori: Why do you think they put paintings up in museums and build statues for the public? It is a form of art and though they aren't my cup of tea they have the aspect of time correct.

Deidara: What do you mean? Cause I can understand there are many forms of art. Its just we're talking about true art here.

Sasori: Yes, exactly. You see, art should be admired for a long time as I've told you many times before.

Deidara: I can admire art. I do admire art.

Sasori: Can you admire it without blowing it up?

Deidara: The explosion is art!

Sasori: Take a look at this? (pulls out a beautiful painting)

Tobi: What are they talking about?

Itachi: They're unbelievable...

Kakuzu: Are they really doing this right now?

Konan: (sighs) They always do this.

Deidara: That's pretty amazing. Did you do that?

Sasori: No. I stole it. I thought it would look nice on my wall.

Deidara: Yeah, you know, it would now that I think about it.

Sasori: Yes, well, let's enjoy this painting.

Deidara: Yeah, let's…I'm bored with it now. (takes the painting and throws it into the air and sends a clay bird after it making it blow up the painting) Marvelous! Did you guys see that?! How exciting! What a perfect display of-

Sasori: I just spoke about putting that on my wall…and you destroy it…

Deidara: Oh! My bad! Just kidnap that Sai kid and make him paint you another.

Konan: Are you two done?

Sasori: I suppose.

Deidara: Yeah.

Konan: Anyway…

Hidan: Can I answer the question now?!

Konan: Yes.

Hidan: Thank you! Tomorrow is the day Lord Jashin-

Kakuzu: (sighs loudly) Oh, sorry. Did I distract you?

Hidan: Yeah, you did! It's alright. I remember what I was saying. Lord Jashin-

Kakuzu: (sighs louder)

Hidan: …Lord Jashin-

Kakuzu: (sighs really loud)

Hidan: Are you tired, Kakuzu? You should get some rest. Tomorrow, Lord Jashin-

Kakuzu: Oh my god, shut up, Hidan!

Pain: Yes? I am here, Kakuzu. What was it you said? "Shut up Hidan"? As you wish. Quiet yourself Hidan.

Hidan: Aw man! Fine!

Kakuzu: This group is hopeless.

Itachi: Are you just now realizing that?

Kakuzu: No. I'm just now speaking on it.

Konan: You were wrong anyway, Hidan. Tomorrow is the Akatsuki's anniversary.

Deidara: Since when do we celebrate that?

Konan: Everyone is to receive a gift from each member of the Akatsuki. We will exchange at midnight tomorrow. Be here. That is all.

Pain: You all are dismissed. (disappears and Konan does as well)

Deidara: Oh great. I don't want to do this crap.

Sasori: Me either.

Kakuzu: I'm sure no one does.

Hidan: Yeah, so stop whining and suck it up.

Deidara: You wish, sicko.

Hidan: Huh? What do you mean?

Kakuzu: If you don't know don't worry about it.

Deidara: I'm going to get Pain a leash for his bi-

Sasori: Deidara.

Deidara: I mean…for his dog. And then I'm going to get her a collar and muzzle. She should be pleased. She'll get more than one gift.

Kisame: Everyone! Get me something good and wet!

Deidara: Eugh…

Tobi: (stands shoulder to shoulder with Deidara) What's the matter?

Deidara: He's so ugly-ahh! What the heck, Tobi!? (pushes him to the ground) Get away from me!

Tobi: Ow! That hurt!

Deidara: Good!

[The Leaf Village…]

SEVERAL FACTS: THE VILLAGE IS DESTROYED OFTEN BUT TIMES HAVE BEEN REDUCED EVER SINCE JIRAIYA BECAME HOKAGE. YES…JIRAIYA IS HOKAGE. HE'S DONE WELL, BUT MANY ARE SKEPTICAL OF HIS DECISION TO BUILD A STRIP CLUB IN THE VILLAGE. MANY BELIEVE THAT HE FAVORS KAKASHI AND NARUTO OVER EVERYONE ELSE. WELL, THAT'S WHAT GUY THINKS. HE IS NOT JUST MIGHT GUY, BUT MIGHT PERRY GUY! NEJI, FOR SOME REASON, IS NOT THE SAME AS HE WAS BEFORE. HE DIED(YES HE DIED AND NOT LIKE IN THE SHOW OR MANGA). HE IS NOW WAY MORE ARROGANT AND EVEN MORE SKILLED. SAKURA HAD DIED, BUT SADLY SHE'S BACK. SASUKE HAD KILLED HER, WHO IS EXTREMELY CRAZY-JUST A HEADS UP…SAKURA IS ANNOYING AND DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT YELL AT NARUTO. NARUTO HAD DIED FIGHTING A THREAT TO THE VILLAGE. IT ENDED IN BOTH OF THEM DYING SO HE SUCCEEDED. HINATA WAS ANNOYING AND BETRAYED THE VILLAGE BUT IS NOW BACK AND SEEMS NOT TO REMEMBER ANY OF THAT. TSUNADE DID SOMETHING FOOLISH AND LEFT THE VILLAGE AND I BELIEVE SHE DIED LATER ON, BUT NO ONE IS AWARE OF HER LOCATION NOW. THIS STORY IS MOSTLY ABOUT DEIDARA AND THE AKATSUKI SO YOU MIGHT NOT SEE THEM MUCH.

Naruto: Hey, what's Gaara doing here?

Gaara: Didn't I tell you I'm not Gaara anymore? It's the Kazekage G5. Get it right.

FACT: GAARA CALLS HIMSELF G5 FOR SOME REASON…I DON'T REMEMBER WHY…BUT HE SAYS HE'SFLYER THAN A G5 AIRPLANE. AND HE AND SASUKE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER FOR SOME REASON. HE ALSO DOESN'T LIKE MOST OF THE NINJA IN THE LEAF HONESTLY…AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE SAND VILLAGE…HAHA…

Naruto: Yeah…right. Anyway, what are you doing here?

Gaara: A few of my ninja spotted someone in an Akatsuki robe in the Sand just a few moments ago. They were buying something from a store apparently…that doesn't sound right though. I came to make sure everything was alright here.

Naruto: Really? How'd you get here so fast? You must've used those awesome teleportation scrolls!

Gaara: Yeah. They really come in handy. I sure didn't feel like walking 3 days. Then again I probably would've just sent Temari. I'm not even supposed to be out here on my own. That's the life of a kage though. Know what I mean? Oh, wait…

Naruto: Whatever! Obviously I'm supposed to be Hokage one day! That's why I was brought back to life!

Gaara: Yeah, and Pain was brought back so he could show the world pain. Yeah, that's right.

Naruto: Quit with the sarcasm! Anyway, I guess you should go tell pervy sage.

Gaara: No duh, Naruto. Geez. (walks past him)

Tenten: Hey, Gaara.

Gaara: Bye, Bon Bon.

Tenten: My name is Tenten!

Kakashi: There are two Akatsuki approaching the village. We need to take precautionary measures.

Naruto: Agreed!

Guy: Don't worry I'll save the village like I always do.

FACT: THAT IS A HUGE LIE...

Guy: Remember…who was it that beat Zabuza and Haku? Who was it that beat Pain? Who beat Orochimaru? Me.

Kakashi: What? I don't think that's right.

Shikamaru: I know it's not right.

Guy: Quiet Shikamaru! Let your superiors speak.

Kakashi: We don't have time for a discussion, Guy! Let's get to Jiraiya.

Guy: Fine. Even though I know I can take 'em. Let's do it your sissified way.

Naruto: What could they want now? They don't still want me…do they?


	2. The Anniversary of The Akatsuki Part 2

NOTE: SORRY ITS LATE! ITS LONGER THAN EXPECTED-THERES A PART THREE!

Sasori: Why are we going to the Leaf? Do they even sell anything good?

Deidara: I don't know. All I need is a leash and collar so it should be fine.

Sasori: Are you really going to buy that?

Deidara: We shouldn't get Pain anything! Since he's a "god" he should be able to get whatever he wants! Sheesh!

(A cat meows from a tree as a woman yells to it…)

Woman: It's okay, Fido! I'll get you down safely!

Deidara: She named her cat Fido? That's the worst dog name in history and she gives it to a cat?

Woman: (gasps as she looks to Deidara) Young man! Can you please help me!?

Deidara: Yes. I can. But I'm not going to.

Woman: Please?!

Deidara: No means no, lady. Now back off before I turn you into a masterpiece!

Woman: …What?

Sasori: We're busy.

Woman: But poor Fido is stuck in the tree!

Deidara: Here's what I think of your stupid cat! (sends a clay snake that slithers up the tree and explodes…after the cat jumps down from the tree and lands safely…)

Woman: Fido! (hugs the cat) Thank you so much!

Deidara: I didn't do that on purpose!

Woman: You're a hero! I'll never forget this! (walks away)

Sasori: Aww…how kind of you…

Deidara: Shut up! (looks toward the Leaf Village's open gate) Let's get this over with.

(Deidara and Sasori walk into the village just before it closes…)

Sasori: Strange.

Deidara: There's a store. (walks into a building and people scatter in fear) What's wrong with them?

Sasori: They are right to fear those with more power than them. So we know they can't be running from you.

Deidara: I'm stronger than you! Lucky for them I don't feel like displaying my power right now.

Sasori: But you felt like throwing Play-Doh at that cat.

Deidara: If you call my clay Play-Doh one more time…

Man: C-can I help you, sirs?

Deidara: No. But you can help yourself by staying behind that desk. Unless you want to die.

Man: N-n-no! I'll stay right here!

(A short while later…)

Deidara: We'll be leaving now.

Man: But you didn't pay for-

Deidara: Huh?

Man: Nothing!

Deidara: …Alright. Whatever. (walks out the store)

Naruto: How dare you trespass into the Leaf-oh, it's just you.

Deidara: What does that mean?!

Naruto: All I have to do is fight you up close and you'll be no match.

Deidara: What?! That's not true!

Sasori: (chuckles)

Deidara: Be quiet! We're not even here to fight! We just came to get some things from the store.

Naruto: You expect me to believe that?! How dumb do you think I am?!

Deidara: Extremely, but I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Naruto: Hey!

Sasori: We'll be leaving now.

Naruto: You probably have some sort of secret scroll in that bag! I won't let you get away! Rasengan! (two shadow clones run at them with Rasengan but they disappear) What?! No way! Darn it!

[The Next Day…The Akatsuki Hideout: A few minutes before midnight]

(There are scarcely any decorations, but there are tables with many snacks, desserts, and beverages. A mid-tempo instrumental is playing in the background.)

Hidan: Aw, man, I'm so excited! I feel like it's Christmas!

Itachi: You celebrate Christmas?

Hidan: Of course I do! Free gifts!

Kakuzu: But who in their right mind would give you a gift? Gifts are normally given to people you like. Who likes you?

Hidan: A lot of people! Like you for instance. And Lord Jashin too! He loves me so much! And I return his love on a daily basis! (laughs) Yes!

Kakuzu: …

Tobi: (sing-song) Tobi! Tobi! Tobi! Tobi! To-oh-bi! Tobi Festival! (as he sings he climbs a ladder and begins hanging a banner that reads, "TOBI FESTIVAL: COMING SOON!)

Kakuzu: …(looks to Konan) Can I just leave the gifts here and go?

Konan: No. You must stay.

Deidara: There you are, Konan.

Konan: Oh, Deidara, you're early?

Deidara: What does it look like? Anyway, did Pain already give you his gift?

Konan: What? No. Why would he have given me my gift already?

Deidara: I hope you're not going to do it in front of all of us. I'm perfectly fine with not seeing you naked ever in life.

Konan: (gasps) Excuse me, Deidara? How dare you-

Pain: Konan. Is Deidara bothering you?

Konan: Yes!

Deidara: All I did was ask if you'd given her her gift.

Konan: He was implying that your gift to me was…intercourse.

Pain: We have intercourse every day.

Deidara: Ew!

Pain: All members of the Akatsuki have intercourse with each other.

Deidara: Except Deidara!

Konan: No, not just intercourse. …Sexual…intercourse.

Pain: I see nothing wrong with a god having sex with his angel. It is natural. As is the breeze on a tepid day.

Konan: Wait, what!?

Deidara: So you admit you two have something going on!

Pain: I admit your god is hungry. Fetch me a nacho, Konan.

Konan: Um…yes, Pain.

Deidara: There are nachos? Where? And what do you mean, "A nacho"? Who eats one nacho and is satisfied?

Tobi: Pain, did you see what I put up?!

Pain: Yes, Tobi.

Tobi: How about you, Deidara?

Deidara: No, I didn't. And I don't want to see it so don't ask if I do.

Tobi: But it's about the Tobi Festival!

Deidara: That doesn't exist.

Tobi: Yes, it does! If it didn't there wouldn't be a banner up there advertising it!

Deidara: Get outta my face, Tobi! Or so help me-

Tobi: Ah! You don't have to be so scary, you know… And I was going to invite you to it!

Hidan: When's the Tobi Festival begin? I'll go to it.

Tobi: Sorry, it's invite only.

Hidan: Wha-I'm not invited?!

Tobi: Nope.

Hidan: So none of the Akatsuki could go, but Deidara?!

Tobi: (sighs) No, you silly Hidan, you! Everyone in the Akatsuki can go, but you!

Hidan: And why is that?!

Tobi: I don't know. I just don't want you to come. Deal with it. Thanks!

Hidan: You jerk! I should-

Konan: Calm down, everyone!

Deidara: Can we get this crap over with?

Konan: At midnight. It is 11:55.

Deidara: It's just 5 minutes!

Pain: We will follow the schedule.

Deidara: We need to talk, Pain. I've been thinking about leaving the Akatsuki.

Pain: And?

Konan: (to self) Please do.

Deidara: What do you mean, "and"?!

Pain: You may wish to leave…but you will not. The only way to leave the Akatsuki is to die and never return.

Tobi: Don't worry! You'll be in the new world! (his voice deepens) The perfect world…

Deidara: I don't-wait a second, what happened to your voice?

Tobi: (normally) What do you mean, Deida-chan?

Deidara: Didn't I tell you not to call me that yesterday!?

Tobi: Yeah.

Deidara: Then why are you still calling me it?!

Tobi: Cause I don't care!

Deidara: That's it! I'm killing you!

Tobi: No, Deidara, please!

Konan: Will you quit causing disturbances, Deidara?!

Deidara: Tobi started it!

Tobi: Nuh-unh!

(By the beverages…)

Sasori: So does Pain really have something going on with Konan?

Itachi: I don't know.

Kakuzu: They do seem pretty close.

Hidan: Haven't they known each other since they were kids? What do you expect?

Kakuzu: No, they're too close…

Sasori: And Deidara just asked them if they were going to do…you know what…and Pain basically said yes!

Itachi: Really?

Hidan: Aw, darn it! I was going to try for Konan! Maybe Pain will share.

Itachi: No, he's going to say something along the lines of, "Why would a god share his angel with the world".

Hidan: But if he talks to Lord Jashin-

Kakuzu: I'm pretty sure Pain doesn't believe in that nonsense.

Hidan: Did you just call Lord Jashin nonsense?! You don't get it, do you?! You fool! Lord Jashin needs non-believers like you so you can be victims! Or should I say you can be-(indistinctly rants on and on…)

Kakuzu: Anyway, I hope Konan doesn't want a serious relationship cause that guy is nuts.

Sasori: Konan is crazy too, isn't she? She is if she really thinks she's an angel.

Itachi: I thought she liked Deidara. I mean, she's always talking about Deidara for something, but maybe not.

Sasori: You do have a point.

Itachi: Deidara is pretty annoying. And he talks about her too.

Kakuzu: So does Deidara like Konan?

Sasori: We have our hypothesis. Konan likes Deidara, Deidara likes Konan, or they're both interested in each other.

Itachi: Or it could be none of the above.

Sasori: No, it's one of those. Now, we have to test our hypothesis.

Kakuzu: How?

Sasori: Try to get the truth out of them by any means necessary. Kakuzu and I will try Deidara. Itachi and Hidan; try Konan. (walks away with Kakuzu)

Itachi: … (looks at Hidan)

Hidan: -As a matter of fact you all should love the way of Jashin!

Itachi: Hidan.

Hidan: Huh? Hey, where'd Kakuzu and Sasori go?! I was talkin' about-

Itachi: Let's go.

Hidan: Where?

Itachi: Just follow me.

(By the cakes…)

Deidara: This cake is delicious!

Kisame: So are the fish crackers!

Deidara: I'm talking about cake and you bring up fish crackers? Go away.

Kisame: But you should try some. Here. (puts soggy fish crackers on Deidara's slice of cake)

Deidara: Ew! I don't want to eat wet fish crackers with cake!

Kisame: But it might taste good!

Deidara: "Might" isn't good enough, fish face! (pushes the cake in Kisame's face) And why the heck were they wet, freak?

Kisame: If you were trying to make me mad you've succeeded! Water Style: Water Shark Bomb!

Pain: (appears in front of Deidara) Almighty Push. (Upon stopping the attack…)

Deidara: (is sent flying by the Almighty Push into the wall) Ow, what the heck, Pain?! I was right behind you!

Pain: There will be no fighting at this moment.

Kisame: Sorry…

Deidara: By the way, I didn't need protection! All he did was throw water at me. He should've used that water to give himself a bath. My present to him should be some soap cause he always stinks so darn bad.

Kisame: What?!

Deidara: I know it's midnight now. There's no way 5 minutes haven't passed.

Sasori: Deidara, we'd like a word.

Deidara: What?

Kakuzu: Doesn't Konan look nice tonight?

Deidara: Hah! What's your definition of nice?

Sasori: You don't think she's pretty?

Deidara: Ehh…I guess so. I've seen better though.

Sasori: Maybe that's because you haven't really looked at her up close enough.

Deidara: Maybe.

Kakuzu: What do you think about her and Pain?

Deidara: What do you mean?

Kakuzu: As a couple.

Deidara: Ew. Are they dating now? I thought they were just FWBs.

Kakuzu: What's an FWB?

Deidara: A friend with benefits. I thought they were sleeping together.

Sasori: And how does that make you feel?

Deidara: Disgusted. Every time they speak to each other you can tell they've been on several sexcapades.

Kakuzu: Where are you learning these terms?

Sasori: Why are you disgusted? Could it be because you're jealous?

Deidara: Jealous of what?

Sasori: He's with Konan.

Deidara: You think I'd be jealous, because I don't have a girl I can have sexcapades with?

Sasori: (hits his palm against his face and sighs)

Kakuzu: In a way…

Deidara: I know you think that way, but in reality I can have any girl I want so it isn't really a problem.

Sasori: (chuckles) You're confused. That's in your little fantasy world where that happens.

Deidara: No, reality!

Kakuzu: Don't you think Konan deserves better than Pain?

Deidara: I don't know. Maybe.

Kakuzu: Someone who could show her true art?

Sasori: I'm afraid I'm not interested in Konan.

Deidara: He was talking about me! Wait, you were talking about me?

Kakuzu: Yeah. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to view true art with? Sasori's cool and all, but he doesn't understand what real art is.

Deidara: You've got a point…

Sasori: Not really.

Deidara: But Konan? I'm pretty sure I'm too good for her. Besides that she's nothing, but Pain's lapdog. And she gets on my nerves! Why would I want a woman so fixated on some weird lunatic that believes she's his angel!?

Sasori: So…you do like her?

Deidara: No!

Kakuzu: I don't believe you.

Deidara: I don't care. I said I don't like her and that's that.

(By the music player…)

Konan: (to self) I should call everyone together to exchange gifts now.

Hidan: Hey, Konan! Got a sec?

Konan: Um…I suppose. What is it?

Itachi: Deidara said you look cute today.

Konan: (blushes) He-…He did? No way. Deidara's an asshole.

Itachi: No, he did. He said he finally understands why Pain calls you his angel. And now he wants you to be his.

Konan: (gasps) He can't just change his attitude all of a sudden!

Hidan: Just say you don't want him so you can come spend the night with me. I'll show you what Lord Jashin has taught me.

Konan: What? I don't know how I should take that… How am I supposed to respond?

Itachi: Just don't. Ignore him. How do you feel about Deidara?

Konan: He's insolent, annoying, hypocritical, obsessed with blowing things up which is insane-how that's art-I'll never know-

Itachi: Would you be willing to give Deidara a chance?

Konan: Uh…I don't know…

Hidan: Don't you think he's attractive?

Konan: He's…cute-I guess.

Pain: Who is?

Konan: Pain! Um, no one important! Did you need something?

Pain: I was wondering why you hadn't begun the exchanging of gifts.

Konan: I'm doing it now! Everyone come closer! It is time to exchange gifts! Who's first?

Tobi: I'll go first! Konan, I got you a new flower for your hair! (hands her a red flower)

Konan: Oh, wow. It's beautiful, Tobi. Thank you.

Tobi: Pain! I got you this shirt that says "GOD IS AWESOME"! (gives the shirt to Pain)

Pain: Ah…someone has made me a shirt beckoning truth. I will wear it at the next meeting.

Tobi: Kisame…I got you a forbidden scroll of the water arts! You'll be unstoppable with this! (hands the scroll to Kisame)

Kisame: Thank you, Tobi! How kind of you!

Tobi: I know! Itachi, I know how much of a stud you used to be in Konoha and I know you must be missing the ladies so I got you this! (hands Itachi a magazine with photos of half-naked girls from the Hidden Leaf)

Itachi: …I don't know how to react.

Tobi: Kakuzu, I figured you'd be happy with just receiving money so here. (hands Kakuzu a large bag of money)

Kakuzu: Ah! Right you are! You're the best, Tobi!

Tobi: Thanks! Hidan, I have this for you! (hands him a card)

Hidan: What's this? (begins reading the card…) "You are invited to the Tobi Festival"?! Alright!

Deidara: Why the heck do you want to go that bad?

Tobi: Read the back too!

Hidan: (turns the card and reads the back of it…) "Just kidding-Ha ha ha"?! You bastard! I'll kill you for messing with me like that!

Tobi: (laughs) That was so funny I almost died!

Hidan: You should have!

Tobi: Zetsu. I got you bunny slippers! (hands him pink bunny slippers)

Zetsu: …Is this a joke?

Tobi: Huh? No. My jokes are funny. Anyway…Deidara, since we're such good friends I got you the greatest gift of all! (pulls out a replica of his own mask) A mask to match mine! Now we'll be like twins at the Tobi Festival!

Deidara: I don't want that stupid mask!

Tobi: But… (pulls out a pair of scissors) I was even going to cut and style your hair to look like mine. I have dye too!

Deidara: No way! Don't you even think about coming close to me with those scissors!

Konan: Hm…Kakuzu got a large bag of money and I just got a simple accessory… Kisame got a forbidden scroll…and I got a flower for my hair… (sighs) Anyway…next?

Hidan: I'll go! Kakuzu, I'll give you yours first. (hands him a small bag of money)

Kakuzu: Lighter than Tobi's, but I'll accept it.

Hidan: I can take it back!

Kakuzu: I said I'll accept it.

Deidara: Is everyone giving him money? He's going to be disappointed when I give him my gift then.

Hidan: Pain, I got you a book of the ways of Jashin! (hands him a book)

Pain: Almighty Push.

Hidan: (is sent flying into the wall; laughs) That hurt! It really hurt! Why'd you do that…?

Deidara: He's such a freak.

Pain: I do not require that book of sin.

Hidan: What do you mean?

Pain: It is a sin to worship a false god.

Deidara: (to self) Exactly why no one worships you.

Hidan: Who are you callin' a false god?! Lord Jashin is as true as the sun in the sky!

Deidara: That's an odd choice of words.

Konan: I think we should move on before someone gets offended.

Pain: I've already been offended by the act of being offered such a silly book.

Konan: He's just kidding Hidan. Move on. What'd you get me?

Hidan: Oh! I got you a Lord Jashin necklace! (hands her a necklace with the letters "LORD JASHIN")

Pain: You are not allowed to wear it.

Konan: Um…okay. Sorry, Hidan.

Hidan: Why'd you tell her that?

Pain: Because.

Hidan: Because what?!

Pain: A god need not reveal his intentions.

Hidan: Fine then! Zetsu, I got you the yin and yang symbol. You know, it's Chinese. You like black and white, right?

Zetsu: …Another…great gift…

Hidan: You're welcome! Itachi, I got you a Lord Jashin ring! (hands him a golden ring with "Lord J." inscribed on it)

Itachi: This is a horrible gift.

Hidan: Hey, no it's not!

Itachi: Saying it's not doesn't change the fact it is.

Hidan: I'll never buy you a gift again then!

Itachi: Please don't. I'll probably just throw it away like I'm going to do with this.

Hidan: You punk!

Sasori: At least he was honest.

Hidan: (hands Sasori book) There ya go, art lover. I got one for you too, Deidara. (hands another book to Deidara)

Sasori: What is this?

Deidara: You got me a freakin' book? How lame is this?

Hidan: They're about artists.

Sasori: Who is "Van Goh"?

Deidara: He wasn't a true artist! We're not reading these! (throws the book on the ground and sends a few clay spiders to blow it up)

Sasori: You don't know how to pick out gifts for people. Blow this one up too, Deidara.

Deidara: Sure.

Hidan: I don't care if you don't like them! I didn't want to do this anyway!

Deidara: Then stop throwing a hissy fit.

Hidan: You shut up, sissy art boy!

Konan: Please finish, Hidan. We have 8 more going after you.

Deidara: She's right.

Konan: …Don't agree with me.

Deidara: Fine! I won't!

Hidan: Kisame, I got you this free ticket to a water park. (gives Kisame the ticket)

Konan: That's a rather childish gift, don't you thi-

Kisame: Thank you so much for this! I can't wait to go!

Hidan: No problem. At least someone likes my gift!

Deidara: He's a weirdo. Of course he does.

Hidan: Last, but not least…well, last…Tobi.

Tobi: I hope it's a new pair of ice skates!

Hidan: You want ice skates?

Sasori: He said "new" so he's had ice skates in the past…?

Hidan: It's not ice skates. It's a coloring book. You act like a child so I got you a children's item.

Tobi: …You…you…you're so good to me, Hi-chan! (hugs Hidan)

Hidan: Hey, get off! What the hell is your problem?! You crazy?!

Konan: Okay, I think if any of you got Kakuzu money, you should just give it to him now.

(The remaining, excluding Deidara and Pain give Kakuzu various sized money bags…)

Kakuzu: Life is good…

Konan: Why don't you go next?

Kakuzu: I guess… Pain, you have my loyalty. That's good enough.

Pain: Yes. I suppose it is. Will you also pray to me every night and-

Kakuzu: Whatever floats your boat.

Itachi: That's my gift to you too then.

Kakuzu: Konan, you can have this piece of bubblegum. (gives her a piece of bubblegum)

Konan: …Kakuzu, did you even go to a store or anything?

Kakuzu: So here's your gift, Zetsu. Um... (searches his pockets and pulls out gum) I think this one is two flavors. You've got a black and white side, right. Two and two. Perfect. (hands everyone else a piece of gum except Deidara) That's all I had.

Deidara: So I don't get anything?!

Kakuzu: I'll ignore all the dumb stuff you say for a day. There.

Deidara: I don't say anything dumb!

Konan: (sighs)


	3. The Anniversary of The Akatsuki Part 3

Itachi: I'll go next. Sasori, I found a couple of rare poisons and I figured you could use them for your puppets or something. (hands him the poisons)

Sasori: Oh…thanks. This is actually a pretty good gift.

Deidara: So what do I get!?

Itachi: I had no clue what to get you so I just got you this video of recorded explosions. (hands him a tape)

Deidara: So you got true art in video!

Itachi: Kisame. I got you-

Kisame: A video of sharks trailing their prey!

Itachi: …No. I got you this sword. It's like your sharkskin, but better. Try it out when you get the chance. (hands him the large sword)

Kisame: Ooh! It feels amazing!

Konan: Itachi seems to understand the art of gift giving.

Deidara: Gift giving isn't art!

Sasori: See? You should date her. You both don't know what true art is.

Konan: He should what?!

Itachi: Konan, I asked Pain what you'd like and he said to just take a photo of him and have him autograph it so… (hands her an autographed photo of Pain)

Konan: (sullen) Yay.

Itachi: Zetsu, I don't know much about you, but Pain told me you'd be fine with just receiving this Akatsuki sticker. (hands him a sticker)

Zetsu: …

Hidan: I hope you didn't ask him what to get me!

Itachi: He said you'd like the prologue to his new book. (hands Hidan a thin paper booklet)

Hidan: He wrote a book?

Pain: It's called… "How to please a god".

Hidan: I know how to please Lord Jashin!

Itachi: Tobi. Here's all the lyrics to the songs in Frozen.

Tobi: Just what I asked for! (sings) Do you wanna build a snowman!?

Deidara: Really?

Kisame: My turn! I got everyone their own pet shark! They're outside in the river!

Deidara: (to Sasori) I thought sharks only lived in the oceans.

Sasori: I don't know.

Konan: A pet shark?

Kakuzu: Are you scared of sharks, Konan? Don't worry. If you ever go in the river and see one I'm sure Deidara would save you.

Deidara: Ha! She'd drown and get eaten that day!

Konan: Shut up, Deidara.

Deidara: Why would I save you? So Pain can get mad at me for touching his girlfriend?

Pain: How humorous. To suggest that a higher being such as myself would date such a lowly angel. Sex is one thing, but to date her would be foolish.

Konan: … (sighs)

Deidara: Ouch. Uh…so…who's next?

Sasori: Me. Since you're so down, I'll give you your gift first.

Konan: I'm not down.

Sasori: Right. Now, take this. (hands Konan a white headband with the number 3 on it) You like that, don't you? White's your favorite color, right?

Konan: …Why would you think that? No, it's not.

Sasori: Oh…oh well.

Konan: And why is the number 3 on it?

Sasori: That's your favorite number.

Konan: Says who?

Sasori: (Sighs) This is why I don't buy people gifts. They never appreciate it. How about this then? (hands her rubbing alcohol and bandages) For when you give yourself a paper cut. Pain, I got you…an offering. (hands him a dead bird)

Pain: …I don't understand this gift.

Sasori: Hidan, I got you this mask to cover up that hideous face. Please use it.

Hidan: I don't want that!

Sasori: It's rude not to accept someone's gift.

Hidan: You think I care!?

Sasori: (sighs loudly) Tobi, I got you a guitar. (hands him a guitar)

Tobi: YES! This is the best day ever! I can play this and sing my songs! (sings) Love is an open door!

Deidara: Why would you get him that? He's annoying enough!

Tobi: Don't act like you don't like Frozen!

Deidara: I've never seen it.

Tobi: What?! If I would've known I would've bought the movie for you!

Sasori: Kisame, here. (hands him a small shark puppet) A shark in the form of art.

Kisame: Thank you!

Sasori: Itachi, you can have this. (hands him a jug of apple juice)

Itachi: I almost don't want to ask… Why did you get me apple juice?

Sasori: Don't you like apple juice?

Itachi: I do, but there's no way you could've known that before this moment.

Sasori: Who doesn't like apple juice?

Itachi: ...Everyone doesn't like apple juice.

Sasori: I disagree.

Itachi: …Whatever.

Konan: Sasori, if you ever marry or have kids; I'll feel sorry for the woman and children every gift-giving holiday.

Sasori: I don't know why. Zetsu, are you ready for the best gift you've ever gotten?

Zetsu: Sure…

Sasori: Here it is…recognition. I heard you came back successful from that last mission. Good work.

Zetsu: (sarcastically) …Thanks so much. That means a lot coming from you.

Sasori: No problem. Your turn, Deidara. Though I don't agree with your form of art. I got you something I know you'll love.

Deidara: Huh? It has something to do with explosions?!

Sasori: (hands Deidara a large container of Play-Doh) Enjoy!

Deidara: What the hell is this, Sasori?! You think you're funny?!

Sasori: I thought you'd love it! You're always playing with Play-Doh so I just figured you'd like this-

Deidara: I don't play with Play-Doh! It's explosive clay!

Sasori: It isn't art.

Deidara: My clay causes things to explode! And what is true art, Sasori? I've told you a million times!

Sasori: Did you say something like…it is everlasting?

Deidara: No!

Sasori: Then I don't remember. It probably made no sense if it wasn't that.

Deidara: True art…is an EXPLOSION! Don't play games with me, Sasori! I'm not in the mood for this! I'm ready to leave this stupid place!

Sasori: I gave you a great gift and you have the nerve to lie to me? True art is NOT an explosion.

Deidara: Yes, it is!

Konan: Stop arguing you two. I think Sasori is done so who is left?

Pain: It is I, you, and Deidara.

Deidara: You forgot Zetsu.

Pain: He asked to be exempt from this.

Deidara: What the-?! All we had to do was ask!?

Pain: I am a lenient one.

Deidara: Dammit! No one should've got him any gifts then!

Zetsu: It's not like any of them were good gifts anyway.

Sasori: Excuse me?

Zetsu: I'd like to be excused, Pain.

Pain: You may go.

Deidara: I'd like to leave too!

Pain: How unfortunate. You'd like to do something you will not do. The grass only appears greener on the other side.

Deidara: What the heck?!

Pain: Why don't you go next, Deidara?

Deidara: Why? Because I don't want to. I'm going last.

Konan: (sighs) I'll go. Deidara can go after me. Pain. I have for you the special information you were going to retrieve on all the 5 lands. It took me a while to get, but-

Pain: (pats her on the head) Good girl.

Konan: (sighs) …Thankyou…

Deidara: I thought she was your angel. Why are you treating her like a dog?

Sasori: You said she was his lapdog.

Deidara: Yeah, but I didn't mean she was a real dog!

Konan: He said I was his what?!

Tobi: Give me my gift next, Konan! PLEASE?!

Konan: Sure. Though I don't know why you asked for this when you could've got one yourself. (hands Tobi a large hamburger bento)

Tobi: YES! I'M SO HUNGRY! I always get hungry around midnight, you know! Deida-chan knows!

Deidara: What? How the heck could I know that?

Tobi: Your mom didn't tell you? She always makes my midnight snacks.

Deidara: You little pest! I'll show you-

Konan: (puts a hand on Deidara's shoulder) Deidara, please. We're trying to get through this.

Deidara: Wha-don't touch me! When'd you even get this close to me?

Itachi: Is your mom still alive?

Deidara: She's always been dead to me! Itachi: …Is that a yes or no?

Konan: Now, next I have a gift for-

Kisame: Give it to me! I'm ready to receive!

Konan: Um…okay. I saw this and immediately thought of you. Isn't it cute? (gives Kisame a necklace with an emblem depicting a wave and dolphin)

Kisame: (stares at the necklace) …

Konan: I know it's not a shark, but I think dolphins are way better than sharks. It's cool how they work together like a team to get things done a lot of the time. Like the Akatsuki!

Kisame: ... (still staring at the necklace; looks to Konan with a frown)

Konan: You don't like it?

Kisame: Move on to the next person.

Konan: Um…okay, if you say so. I hope you like your gift.

Kisame: (to self) Worst gift ever.

Hidan: Where's my gift, sweet cheeks?

Konan: Hidan, never call me that again. But here is your gift.

Hidan: You can just give me a time to come pick you up for our date tomorrow.

Konan: Are you hitting on me?

Hidan: Of course I am! You're the only girl in the Akatsuki! What do you expect?!

Konan: I'm…flattered, but no.

Hidan: Why not?! Pain said ya'll aint datin' so you should go out with me!

Deidara: Why would she want to go out with a sacrilegious freak?

Hidan: Hey, what?!

Itachi: I'm surprised Deidara knows the term "sacrilegious".

Deidara: Shut up, Itachi!

Hidan: No, YOU shut up, Deidara-chan! No one wants to hear you bitch!

Deidara: What did you just say to me?! Can we even use that word?

Hidan: I just used it!

Deidara: I wasn't even doing that! All I said was you were a freak! It's true! Everyone knows it!

Hidan: No, they don't!

All: Yes, they do.

Hidan: Wha-!? None of you know what you're talkin' about!

Konan: Please, enough fighting! Can we not do something without fighting?!

Itachi: We can't.

Tobi: Especially not with those two!

Deidara: Watch it, Tobi!

Hidan: Yeah, watch it!

Tobi: It's true! You're both so ANNOYING! I mean do either one of you know how to shut up?

Deidara: I know how to shut you up!

Hidan: Keep talking and become a sacrifice!

Tobi: I'll be quiet!

Deidara: You can continue, Konan. I'm sorry.

Sasori: You are?

Konan: Oh…thank you, Deidara. Would you like me to give you your gift next?

Hidan: I still haven't gotten mine!

Deidara: It doesn't matter.

Hidan: Give me MY gift!

Konan: Are you going to stop trying to hit on me?

Hidan: No. Show me how much you love me and I'll accept that as my gift.

Konan: Alright. Have it your way. (sends a hundred paper airplanes at his head)

Hidan: Ouch! Ahh! Stop it! (falls to the ground) Man, my face hurts so bad!

(Deidara and Sasori burst out laughing…)

Deidara: "Ahh! Stop it!"

Sasori: "Ouch, it hurts!"

Deidara: "Please date me, Konan! No?"

Sasori: "Well I am ugly, but you're only the 244th girl to turn me down!"

Deidara: "The 245th time's the charm!"

(Deidara and Sasori laugh uncontrollably…)

Hidan: Shut up! When I get up, by the strength of Lord Jashin, I'm going to kill you!

(Deidara and Sasori laugh even harder…)

Pain: Konan, continue. I am ready to tell of my gift.

Konan: Of course, sir. Zetsu left the room so I'll give him his gift later. Itachi, it was hard to decide what to get you, but I hope you like this. (hands him a customized gold and black diamond Akatsuki watch with Pain's face in the center)

Itachi: …It was almost a good gift.

Konan: Sasori, I have for you-I know you like puppets so why wouldn't you like-the Muppets! (hands him "The Muppets Most Wanted" DVD)

Sasori: …I do like some of those songs. But to suggest they are anything like my beautiful puppets...no.

Konan: And Deidara. Here. (hands him a bag with the word "ART" on it) There's a lot of explosive tags in there, but I thought maybe you could put your explosive clay in it. It seems a lot roomier than the bag you already have.

Deidara: Oh, thanks.

Konan: I know it's not much, but I didn't know how to-

Deidara: It's fine. I like it.

Konan: …Oh. Good. I'm glad you do.

Sasori: Hmm…

Deidara: What?

Konan: Is there a problem, Sasori?

Pain: Deidara. It is your turn. Begin your distribution of gifts.

Deidara: I guess I will. I'll start with you. You want the world to know pain so I thought you should get familiar with it yourself. I was going to punch you, but you keep using Almighty Push so you're just not getting anything from me. Zetsu's not here, but I got him a plant since he seems to like them so much-the weirdo. Kisame-

Kisame: Is it a shark?!

Deidara: No. You got everybody else sharks. Why would you ask for one as a gift? That's stupid. You're water style so I got you these water type Pokemon cards. (hands him the Pokemon cards)

Kisame: What's Pokemon?

Deidara: Oh, and you can share this with Zetsu and his plant. (hands him a half full water bottle)

Kisame: Water? And half of its gone!

Deidara: I got thirsty on my way here. It's a long walk.

Kisame: Why didn't you ride one of your birds here?

Deidara: I did. I still got thirsty.

Kisame: But you said it's a long walk.

Deidara: It is a long walk. That's why I rode one of my clay birds-duh. Why don't you try thinking every once in a while? Anyway, Kakuzu, I know you can stretch your arms and stuff like you ate a gum gum fruit so I got you something you can relate to. (hands him a Mr. Fantastic action figure)

Kakuzu: So you've got jokes?

Deidara: A couple. (chuckles) Anyway, Itachi, I got you some sunglasses so people won't see when you cast a genjustsu. (hands him some shades)

Itachi: Are you being stupid on purpose?

Deidara: I'm not being stupid! I spent about 10 ryo for those shades!

Itachi: (holds the shades and the lens fall out as the frame breaks) …This is worse than Hidan's.

Deidara: If you didn't break it; it wouldn't be!

Itachi: No.

Deidara: Screw you! Here you go, Hidan. (hands him a Jehovah Witness pamphlet)

Hidan: What the hell is this?!

Deidara: It's religious garbage.

IMPORTANT NOTE: PLEASE NO ONE TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT LINE. IT IS A CHARACTER'S OPINION…NO OFFENSE TO THE RELIGION BUT BE HONEST: WHO REALLY READS THOSE PAMPHLETS!?

Hidan: Don't you dare make me angry!

Deidara: I thought you liked that stuff!

Hidan: What does this have to do with Lord Jashin?!

Deidara: How the heck should I know? I didn't read the pamphlet.

Hidan: The answer is nothing!

Deidara: Whatever. Maybe you'd be less annoying if you tried another religion.

Hidan: Maybe you'd be less annoying with your head detached from your body!

Deidara: "Maybe"? I'd be dead! I wouldn't be annoying at all! I couldn't speak! Unless my corpse bothered you there's no way!

Hidan: You think you're so smart!

Deidara: You think you're so tough. Too bad that's a lie, but I really am smart.

Hidan: Oh, really? All you do all day is harp on like, "Art this-Art that! True art…is an explosion"! And you're explosions are so trashy! Hire someone else to design 'em for you cause you suck at it!

Deidara: Excuse me, Mr. "I can't do anything until I stand in a circle and chant and turn even uglier than I already am"! I must applaud you though cause I didn't think it was possible for you to get uglier, but you proved me wrong!

Hidan: Wha-!? At least I don't love art so much, but can't even create it!

Sasori: (chuckles)

Deidara: Shut up, Sasori! I can create art! At least I don't talk so much with my aggravating voice I make everyone's ears bleed!

Hidan: Shut up!

Konan: Guys. After Pain, we'll be done so…

Deidara: That means stop talking to me Hidan.

Hidan: Gladly!

Deidara: Here, Konan. (hands her a make-up kit)

Konan: What are you going to say? I'm so ugly I need make-up?

Deidara: Actually, I wasn't going to say it cause you're being less of a pest right now. I was just going to tell you to use that lip balm so your lips could at least be soft when you're kissing Pain's ass.

Konan: What!?

Deidara: I said I was GOING TO say that.

Konan: Ugh…

Deidara: And for you, Sasori. (hands him a Barbie and Pinocchio puppet) I know you love Pinocchio. And puppets are basically dolls with strings so I got you this Barbie too. Maybe you can attach strings to it and equip it with stuff and make it like the rest of your crap-I mean alleged "art".

Sasori: You. Bastard. Good one though. (high-fives him)

Deidara: I'm done.

Tobi: Where's my gift, Deidara?!

Deidara: Huh? Oh, I forgot you.

Tobi: WHA-?!

Deidara: Oh well. You'll live without a gift. Sadly.

Tobi: I might not! I was really looking forward to your gift!

Deidara: You might not?! I like those odds.

Tobi: Oh, please give me a gift, Deidara! Please!

Deidara: I don't have anything!

Tobi: PLEASE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEA-

Deidara: (backhands him) There's your gift now shut the hell up!

Tobi: Ouchie, Deidara! How mean!

Deidara: (sends a clay spider at him) And you can have this too!

Tobi: Thanks! (falls backward to the floor due to the small explosion from the spider) Oof!

Pain: Finally, it is my turn. My gift to you all is a fun activity.

Itachi: Oh no…

Kakuzu: Can I be excused?

Pain: No. You may not be excused. You will be switching partners for a week.

Kisame: Oh no! What will Itachi do without me?!

Itachi: I don't like anyone in this group so I don't care.

Sasori: Do you know how long it took me to accept Deidara as my partner? And you want me to switch?

Deidara: That's how I feel about you!

Kakuzu: I don't understand how you guys can argue one second, laugh and talk about somebody else together the next, argue again the second after that, act like the best of friends the second after that one, and then talk like you don't like each other again. Your relationship is weird.

Hidan: Did you hear Pain?! We won't be partners for a week! Aren't you upset?

Kakuzu: (gasps) …This might just be the best week I've ever had since I joined the Akatsuki!

Hidan: Huh? Whaddaya mean? We won't be partners.

Kakuzu: Exactly!

Hidan: Well, screw you too, Kakuzu!

Pain: I will announce the partners at the next meeting which will be tonight. I have assignments that you are to complete.

Deidara: This is so lame.

Hidan: I want to be partnered with Konan!

Konan: An angel must always remain by god's-

Pain: Possibly.

Konan: What!? But Pain-

Pain: Zetsu will be tagging along with me meaning you-Konan, Itachi, Kisame, Sasori, Deidara, Tobi, Kakuzu, and Hidan will be the ones being paired.

Konan: But-! (sighs)

Tobi: I request Deidara!

Deidara: I request anyone, but Tobi! And Hidan! And Kisame! And Itachi!

Konan: Why not Itachi?

Deidara: I just don't like him. He thinks he's better than everybody. Look at him over there!

(Itachi stands with a cup of apple juice…he takes a sip…)

Deidara: He makes me sick…

Konan: Do you…not like apple juice?

Kakuzu: So you'd partner with Konan?

Deidara: If I had to.

Pain: You are free to enjoy yourselves for the rest of the party. But I must be going. See you all tonight. (disappears)

Deidara: I'm not staying at this party. I'm leaving.

Konan: Deidara, we need to talk. Alone.

Deidara: Uh, okay?

(Deidara and Konan walk outside…)

Konan: Itachi and Hidan told me that you said-…that you said…I look cute today. Was that true?

Deidara: …I guess you are kind of pretty. What were you saying? I was thinking about something Sasori said to me earlier about you being pretty.

Konan: W-wait…Sasori said I was pretty?

Deidara: I guess that's what he was saying. Now, that I think about it…it would make sense if that's what he was saying, but he also said he wasn't interested in you. Then again some people say that, but they're just embarrassed and can't admit the truth.

Konan: So you're saying…

Deidara: I think Sasori might have a crush on you.

Konan: Really? I don't think I can return his feelings…

Deidara: Why not? Do you like someone else?

Konan: I don't know…

Deidara: I feel like making something explode! Don't you want to witness true art right before your very eyes?

Konan: Um…

Deidara: (creates a giant clay bird and jumps on top of it then holds out a hand for Konan) Let's go.

Konan: …(smiles) Okay. (takes his hand and is helped onto the bird)

(The bird flies into the sky above the Akatsuki lair…)

Deidara: (attaches all the explosive tags to clay birds and sends them flying) Observe sweet sublimation.

(Many explosions erupt in the night sky…)

Konan: You know, it actually is kind of sublime…

Deidara: You really agree?

Konan: Yes. I do.

Deidara: Oh…Good…

Konan: And fireworks are kind of like explosions, right? I love fireworks.

Deidara: Yeah, but most of the ones that aren't illegal are usually cheap imitations.

Konan: Maybe we could go watch some sometime.

Deidara: (slight gasp) Did you just ask me out?

Konan: Wha-n-no! I was just saying, because we both like fireworks! That's all!

Deidara: Good cause I was about to turn you down.

Konan: What?! (sends several papers at his face knocking him off the bird)

(The bird explodes and Konan falls into the water as Deidara stands on another bird beside the river)

Deidara: Nice try! But you did look rather attractive in that explosion! (laughs)

Konan: Bastard…

[A short distance away from the river…]

Sasori: So what do you guys think?

Itachi: I think Konan likes Deidara.

Kakuzu: Deidara likes Konan.

Hidan: Konan likes me!

Sasori: I think Deidara likes Konan and Konan likes Deidara. Hm…I guess we'll have to continue watch over them.

Kisame: What happened to all the sharks in the river?!

Itachi: They probably swam away.

Sasori: Or they died.

Kisame: NOOOOOO!

Tobi: HEY DEIDARA!

Deidara: WHAT!?

Tobi: HI!

Deidara: (sends a clay bird that lands on Tobi's head) Go to sleep, Tobi! And never wake up!

Tobi: Huh? (the bird explodes and he falls to the ground) Ouchie…!


End file.
